A recipe

The following is a recipe for biscuits and gravy. Follow it exactly, and you'll enjoy a savory meal. Begin by opening a package (previously purchased) of sausage that is 1 pound net weight. Empty the contents of the package into a pot and throw away the wrapper. Wash your hands. put the knife you used to open the sausage in the dishwasher. Turn on the stove. Make sure you only turn on the burner you are using. So far, this technique has allowed me to continue to store all of my tuperware on the left rear burner without any problems. Individual results may vary. Heat the oven to a level required to properly burn the biscuits (previously purchased) and then back it off a little. We are trying to brown the biscuits, not burn them. Biscuit companies are made up entirely of liars (soon to be proven historical fact) so shave one minute off the lower end of the recommended cooking time. Trust me, they lie. Wash your hands. By now, your sausage should be overcooked on one side because I forgot to tell you to smush it up a bit. We'll consider that your fault and press on. Using a large object (larger than a toothpick and smaller than a horse) stir the already smushed up sausage until it browns. Stir it like it's nobody's business. Really get in there and take out some a aggression on that sausage. You want small chunks, so this is no time to be a wuss. Do a shot, say a prayer, host a radio show, whatever you do, do not let that sausage proceed wthout a thorough butt-whipping. Seriously. Wash your hands. When the sausage has been properly put in it's place, turn the heat down and slowly add flour. Use the bleached kind. It doesn't matter. Nobody is looking. It's too late to try to make this meal healthy now. If you think you're taking too long adding the flour, slow down. This is the key to the whole recipe. If you go to quickly, throw the whole thing out and go to Denny's. If you are ready to follow the instructions, we'll continue. Use about 6 tablespoons of flour. Add it a little at a time and stir like you're still angry at the sausage for making fun of you earlier. You are loading up the sausage with flour that you will later draw out with milk. Trust me, you don't want to screw this up. Once you have loaded the sausage up, turn up the temperature (only on the burner you have been using) (don't switch burners now, only Emos and Goth freaks do that) and slowly add the milk. I used 1% because I didn't want to stop the recipe to go to the store. Who am I to disregard the 1% milk in my fridge like I'm some kind of pop star with long hair and questionable orientation. (that's right, I said it) So use what you have and stop complaining about how short you are. If it's that bad, you should've employed the use of a footstool at the beginning of this thing and now is not the time to whine. Just get the stupid milk. Deep breath. Add the milk slowly but surely, whatever the hell that means. Use between four and six tablespoons but use exactly neither four or six tablespoons. It's the alligator mouth with the line underneath, remember? The amount of milk you add is directly proportional to the viscosity either positively or negatively depending on whether you are adding it or have already added it. The amount of milk you add is negatively proportional to the amount of surface area of each piece of sausage that comes in contact with the aforementioned milk. Remember, all values go to infinity upon completion of the stirring. Check the biscuits. They are probably burnt. Whatever. Who cares at this point really? Just remember, burnt bad, not burnt good. As the sausage-flour-milk mixture (a.k.a. gravy) cools down it will thicken. You'll know pretty quickly if you screwed up the amout of milk. This is why they teach math in school. This is also why stupid people are at a greater risk of starving than educated folks. Look it up, I'm right. If anyone is still around, serve the gravy on top of the biscuits and eat up. Regardless of what you might have heard, tequila, moonshine, and shame are not on the list of things that are good to wash down this meal. Trust me. Water or milk will be just fine. Enjoy!